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Post by kate on Aug 3, 2008 7:45:09 GMT -5
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Post by sharie on Aug 19, 2008 19:32:30 GMT -5
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Post by sharie on Oct 5, 2008 8:53:17 GMT -5
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Post by chris88 on Oct 5, 2008 18:19:13 GMT -5
HAHA!
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Post by ronpaungan on Oct 5, 2008 20:58:52 GMT -5
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Post by ronpaungan on Oct 5, 2008 20:59:18 GMT -5
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.' 'Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!' When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. Just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!' To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
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Post by kate on Oct 6, 2008 5:23:32 GMT -5
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Post by chris88 on Oct 6, 2008 5:37:55 GMT -5
OH MAN!!! hahahahaha!
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Post by Giselle on Oct 7, 2008 21:43:02 GMT -5
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£101 237.64" The Aussie replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing.""
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Post by Giselle on Oct 7, 2008 21:46:39 GMT -5
FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for 'suck here'. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.' Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a good year. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch... AND: Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
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Post by Giselle on Oct 7, 2008 21:48:40 GMT -5
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up the conversation. The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said "Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Australian frowned annoyed at being bothered during his breakfast and replied "Yeah, of course"
The American blew a huge bubble "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia"
The American had a quirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing the Australian replied "yes"
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia"
The Australian then asked "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said "Yeah, of course we do"
The Australian leant closer to him and asked "What do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away of course" replied the American
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States, that's why it's called Wrigley's"
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Post by Giselle on Oct 7, 2008 21:54:21 GMT -5
Just a thought for all the women out there........
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause............
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And
When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!
Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Always Lifts You Up Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
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Post by Giselle on Oct 7, 2008 21:55:30 GMT -5
I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that pay cheque when I work on a W.A. mine site or a Kalgoorlie construction project, I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their ass drinking piss & smoking dope. Could you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance cheque? ?
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Post by Giselle on Oct 7, 2008 21:59:10 GMT -5
In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first. The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!
Maya Angelou said this:
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
"I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'." "I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Please send this phenomenal people today. You will boost another persons self-esteem. If you don't...the elastic will break and your underpants will fall down around your ankles! ;-) Believe me, I didn't take any chances on MY elastic breaking....I sent it to a lot of special people I care for.
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Post by Giselle on Oct 20, 2008 5:55:21 GMT -5
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
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