mikefinley
New Member
It's the way we are
Posts: 17
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Post by mikefinley on Jan 5, 2009 13:26:24 GMT -5
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other: "...do you smell carrot?"
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Post by seacow on Jan 5, 2009 13:33:37 GMT -5
^ haha Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender asks: "Why the long face?"
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Post by chris88 on Jan 6, 2009 20:32:58 GMT -5
haha!
what's the name of Son House's father?
-Father Building
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Post by Giselle on Jan 18, 2009 2:06:12 GMT -5
The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.
Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.
Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle Matesh*t: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants. And for the Kiwi's amongst us: Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.
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Post by Fluffy Poodle on Jan 20, 2009 15:19:32 GMT -5
Why .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why . .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, But darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Post by sharie on Jan 27, 2009 20:39:16 GMT -5
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Post by janyoung101 on Jan 29, 2009 19:37:36 GMT -5
LOL
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Post by sharie on Feb 4, 2009 22:16:48 GMT -5
Your an asshole.....Thanks you know who!!! When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
'Hello.
'
I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
And hang up!
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
Calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said,
'Yes, it is.
'
I asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .
It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.
'
I asked,
'What's your name?'
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.
'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said,
'Hello.
'
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.
)
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
I said,
'Yeah!'
He screamed,
'Stop calling me!'
I said,
'Make me!'
He asked,
'Who are you?'
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.
'
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch,
I have a black Beamer parked in front.
'
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don..
And you had better start saying your prayers.
'
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!'
and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said,
'Hello?'
I said,
'Hello, asshole!'
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said,
'You'll what?'
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass!'
I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.
'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd inFairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel so much better.
Anger management really does work
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mikefinley
New Member
It's the way we are
Posts: 17
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Post by mikefinley on Feb 9, 2009 14:21:16 GMT -5
So it was YOU!
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Post by chris88 on Feb 9, 2009 18:08:17 GMT -5
HAAAAHAHAHAHA!
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Post by sharie on Mar 2, 2009 13:40:23 GMT -5
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell .
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out .
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit .
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house .
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls .
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place .
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going .
He told her the saga of the rotting house.. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork .
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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Post by Giselle on Mar 3, 2009 19:03:07 GMT -5
Hi all
Some good ones here (I think?!?!?!?)
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you? He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? I said to him .. . They don't have time He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I said to him . . We don't know; it has never happened. He said to me. .. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends. I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? He said. . . A widow. He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Jillian
Certified Member
Dance Like No one's Watching.
Posts: 719
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Post by Jillian on Mar 12, 2009 11:27:28 GMT -5
These are all hysterical. Sharie - I think I'll start recommending yours to some of my clients. Here's one from me... Subject: Moms in Therapy A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
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Post by Giselle on May 4, 2009 21:55:03 GMT -5
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Post by chris88 on May 5, 2009 11:31:44 GMT -5
HAAAHAHA!!! ;D loved them!
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